My name is Rebecca and I run the vlog series on YouTube, Being an SSBBW.
In 2013 I started recording vlogs in response to seeing other videos on YouTube addressing the struggle and joys of dating super-sized women. These videos were mostly from a male perspective and watching them had me jumping up and down in my seat! For the first time in my life I had so much to say, so much I wanted and needed to share. I made a video response to Coen of the YouTube channel, Curvy Shrine, and the rest is history.
This was such a monumental step for me because for most of my twenties I lived the life of a hermit. Locked in food addiction and strangled by self-loathing, I would not go anywhere or see anyone, even friends or family. The only thing I had was my job. Working third shift allowed me to remain hidden and because that was the only thing I had, I worked an insane number of hours. Although I excelled at my job, I would not allow myself any advancement or career ambitions because I truly did not feel I deserved raises or leadership roles.
I hid myself under baggy t-shirts and pants, wore my hair in a bun and never wore makeup. The idea of being feminine at my size was a joke to me. "Why put pearls on a pig?" was my prevailing mindset.
At one point my self-loathing was so extreme, and the idea of people seeing me so overwhelming, that I almost ran out of gas on the side of the road. Every gas station had people inside and I was so desperate to not be seen that I just kept driving. I just didn't see myself as human, but instead an ugly, gross subspecies.
That was that point I knew something had to change and I decided to try for weight loss surgery. I thought this would solve my problems. Fortunately, my insurance required me to see a therapist and doctor for six months before they would approve me for surgery. It was after my third session with my therapist that I realized surgery was not the answer for me. I had a food addiction and a long road of healing ahead of me.
Three years of weekly appointments later, I slowly started to allow myself the right to be human. It was a hard, painful, and dark path but I made it through. After I got that part down, I worked on allowing myself to be a woman.
Fast forward many years later and here I sit, no longer hiding. I am no longer afraid of who, what, and why someone might not like me. I have done the work and made a good foundation for self-acceptance. I love me for me and have learned to accept all parts of myself the light and the dark. Every dark shameful secret and deed is as much a part of me as the love, positivity, and kindness that I share with those around me. All these bits and pieces make up the whole of who I am, and I work on it every day.
The picture on the top of this page means a lot to me. It was the first time (since I was a child) that I put on a dress. Previously, I was so fearful to be a woman in a fat body that the thought of wearing something so feminine was horrifying to me. The smile on my face only shows a glimpse of the pure joy and happiness I felt inside wearing something as simple as a dress (and I might add, I now have a serious dress addiction, LOL). The picture on the bottom shows how far I have come.
I do these vlogs now to share my journey and let others who are hurting as, I once was, know they are not alone and they, too, are worthy of love and to live out in the world. I hope my blogs and vlogs inspire just one person to live their life out loud. Regardless if you are a plus sized person or one of their admirers, life is meant to be lived! Don't live in the dark out of fear of how others may see you. You are beautiful.
"I saw life fall in search of me, but it could not find me, because I was hiding in a box, waiting for my extraordinary destiny." - Ilia Kramarik
Author: Rebecca Bedford; Editor: Crystal Knight